


Kissing in the Dark (Scared to Talk About Anything)

by mellifluously



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gay Awakening, M/M, Making Out, Richard is freaking out and Jared is always so sweet, Sexuality Crisis, uhhh???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24046723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellifluously/pseuds/mellifluously
Summary: "Can I kiss you, Richard?" Jared asks, and Richard's eyes are already fluttering shut when he nods.Richard feels out of control because he realizes he doesn't know who he is. Jared guides him through it.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 8
Kudos: 74





	Kissing in the Dark (Scared to Talk About Anything)

**Author's Note:**

> hello all!!! first fic for a new fandom, first fic completed in a VERY long time!! i feel a little rusty but i had so much fun. i'm super stoked to finish this show and learn more about everyone. everything feels so limitless right now :)'
> 
> this is set in season 2, just after Jared speaks to Pete about the laptop situation and we hear the iconic, "I'm not gay, just busy."

Richard curls into a tighter ball on his bed, trying to urge away the metallic feeling building in his mouth as his stomach turns in waves of nausea. He flips through his phone before pulling up one of those controlled breathing apps Jared had recommended to him. They work pretty well, as reluctant as Richard is to admit it, and as he lets his breathing fall in sync with the shifting lines on his dimmed phone screen, he finally feels his body relax. He flops onto his back and stares at his popcorn ceiling, tracing small pictures in the detail and trying to keep that breathing pattern going. In one, two, three, four, hold seven, out eight, seven, six, five--

There's a gentle knock on his door and Richard doesn't even bother asking who it is, because anyone else would just barge in without hesitation after one loud thump on his closed bedroom door.

Jared steps into his room and quietly shuts the door behind him, and squints at Richard. "Did I wake you?"

Richard shakes head and sits up on the edge of the bed, dangling his feet over. Jared walks over and puts his elbows on Richard's bed and his chin in his hands. He does that a lot, but this time Richard finds it endearing, which only makes another wave of nausea roll through him. "I've been thinking a lot, is all," he manages. He swallows thickly, and Jared furrows his brow in response.

"Is it about the lawsuit?" Jared asks. Richard is quick to shake his head and assure Jared that no, it's nothing related to the company or work in any way, and Jared's expression goes soft. "You can talk to me about that too, if you need me to. I mean--I would like to hear it, too."

Richard considers it. Would anyone else understand, really? It's not that Richard even thinks Jared would understand, but he might be the best option. He's by far the better listener of the group, with Erlich never even halfway sober and Dinesh and Gilfoyle so wrapped up in one another. Once Jared watched them argue and about ten minutes into it, he leaned into Richard's space and whispered, "Remember what I told you? Love, hate--it's passion." Richard has to fight the urge to turn red at the memory.

Jared wants to listen to him. Jared wants to be there for him, just like he always has, and he's nothing if not a confidant to Richard. He _trusts_ Jared. He wants to tell Jared, he realizes, though his cheeks burn at the thought.

"You don't have to, though. I don't want to push you--"

"No, yeah," Richard interrupts, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I just--okay," he tries, but his voice cracks hard enough that he winces, and Jared smiles. "Okay. Before you say anything, can I just say everything at once?"

Jared nods and rubs Richard's knee. "If that's the best way for you to share this with me."

Pete's words from earlier in the day rattle Richard's bones again, and before he can think about it, he starts talking. "Monahan asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I told him I wasn't gay, I was just-- I told him I was busy, and now I have to ask myself if that's the truth? Jared, I haven't," he cuts himself off, laughing bitterly and keeping his eyes glued to the floor. "I haven't had a girlfriend in three years, and it's not for lack of trying. I want a _girlfriend_ , or--I did. I've talked to girls. I've tried those stupid dating apps even though I was terrified I'd be found out by one of the guys and that would be so fucking embarrassing. I've tried, and I'm realizing now I was never interested in them in the first place."

For the first time, Richard looks at Jared, who is watching him closely with worried eyes. He knows he must look terrified--he can feel how hot his cheeks are and the mere idea of opening up to someone makes tears prick in the corners of Richard's eyes. He's breathing unevenly again so he stops, closes his eyes, and starts the pattern again. In one, two, three...Jared is patient with him. He doesn't say anything, just keeps his hand steady on Richard's knee. Richard takes one more deep breath.

"What it comes down to, I think, is that I just liked the way they wanted me, or at least to know me. I didn't want them." Richard laughs at himself, at the admission, in realization. "I don't know that I've ever wanted anyone, I just wanted _someone_."

"And I can't just--I can't just go hook up with a guy just to see if I'm right, or go out on a date, that's not--It can't be that simple now. I don't want to lead someone on, in case I'm wrong, or let something happen to Pied Piper because I wasn't careful. It's just not that simple anymore," Richard finishes. He sighs, and looks at Jared again.

Jared nods and takes a moment to process what Richard told him. The silence between them doesn't fall heavily, but Richard shakes the leg that Jared isn't touching in anticipation.

"It's perfectly common for people of a certain age, your age specifically, that lived relatively scripted lives to start to feel this way," Jared says, and his voice lilts in a way that shows he really believes what he's telling Richard. It's not pity or judgement, not old and tired cliche advice. It's Jared, who speaks like he needs you to hear it, even if it's just to make you feel more grounded. It's the truth, because Jared doesn't get anything out of lying to anyone. He would never want to. "Goal-oriented people like us, we don't really get the chance to explore, and...figure it out, as it were. Sexuality is extremely fluid, and to find yourself having these thoughts now is nothing out of the ordinary. It doesn't take away from who you were before, Richard, it adds to who you are now."

Richard only realizes how hard he's been chewing on his lip when Jared stops talking, so he licks them quickly before shaking his head. "I've never even kissed a guy before, Jared." He laughs again, that same sad, bitter thing that has Jared squeezing his knee in an attempt to comfort him. "That might be the scariest part of the whole thing because--I hang out with guys all the time. I live with guys, but kissing...That's really it. That's when you _know_.

There's a long pause and Richard's stomach starts to turn over again in fear that he's said too much, but Jared speaks up softly, a little apprehensive. "I could do that for you, Richard," he offers, and he reaches out, taking Richard's hand in his own. Richard feels his ears start to burn. "I can't stand to see you so upset, I just--I want to do what I can to help you."

Before Richard really processes the whole situation he's nodding, climbing down his bed so he can look up at Jared as Jared looks down at him, sweet as always. His heart starts hammering in his chest and he's close to trembling, and he's just sure that Jared can tell, especially when he tips Richard's chin up with two fingers.

"Why are you so nice to me?" Richard asks, and that's not really what he means but the weight of the question hangs in the air. "You do things for me, _with_ me, that no one else would."

Jared blinks at him once, unassuming, and drops his hand. "I care about you, Richard. Have I not made that clear?" His eyes flick down to Richard's lips so quickly that it almost goes unnoticed. "I saw you, and I saw the passion that you have," Jared continues, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Richard's head before tilting his chin up again and peppering smaller ones across his cheeks and forehead as he speaks. It's not what Richard expected, but it feels nice--not forced, just sweet and a little hesitant. "I saw what it meant to be a person that wanted something, not just a cog in the machine of something out of their control. You inspire me, Richard. I can't help but feel so fond."

Richard is shivering again by the time Jared finishes his smattering of kisses and pulls back to look at him. "Jared," he starts and he hates how breathless he already sounds. He's never been in a moment so tender before and maybe this is something. Maybe this could be something. "Are you...I mean, have you--" he sputters and sighs, unable to go on, and Jared smiles at him. Richard finds himself hanging on to that smile the same way he does with everything Jared says or does.

"I've been with men, yes. I don't really have a label for myself, per say, but I know what it's like. To be afraid that you're going to be wrong about all of the feelings you start to have."

He hasn't moved any closer, clearly giving Richard several different outs. All he has to do is say no and step back, or even say yes and step forward, and that'll be that. It's...kind of hot. _Jared_ is kind of hot, which is a thought that makes Richard breath out a soft sigh of revelation. He's oddly calm, which is more alarming than it should be. He feels open and vulnerable, but unafraid. Jared's presence doesn't allow it.

"Can I kiss you, Richard?" Jared asks, and Richard's eyes are already fluttering shut when he nods.

Jared takes Richard's face in his hands, cradles it sweetly so his long fingers are splayed across Richard's jawline and kisses him chastely. It's nothing more than a dry press of their lips until Richard instinctively pushes into the touch. It's good, he thinks. It stirs something in his gut that he hasn't felt in a long time. Richard hums and oh, Jared's mouth opens a little to kiss Richard more fully and that feels _great_. They kiss like that as long as they can stand it, until their necks are cramping from the angle. When Jared pulls away Richard follows and ends up kissing the corner of Jared's mouth, which is turned up into a smile. Jared kisses him once more, quick and sound, before pulling back and brushing their noses together.

Richard opens his eyes, and Jared is watching him, searching for something. For a moment Richard's nerves get to him. He wants to draw back, pace trenches into his floor trying to figure out why what just happened felt the way it did. He doesn't draw back, though. The answer is clear, right in front of him. His heart is beating a little faster and his eyes flick helplessly between Jared's eyes and his lips. Fuck, he _wants_ Jared.

Jared smiles, but it's not hard to see the worry in his eyes. "Are you going to throw up?" He asks, stroking Richard's cheek with his thumb. 

Richard huffs out something like a laugh, shaking his head. Jared's still holding his face in his hands and Richard leans into it and and it's so fucking tender that he can hardly stand it. He doesn't think he's ever been kissed like this, and all Richard can think is that he wants it again. Feeling a little bold in the sense of safety Jared surrounds him with, he pushes up to kiss him again. It's a little harder and a little off center, and Jared makes a surprised noise but recovers quickly, sucking Richard's bottom lip into his mouth. Richard whines when he feels the gentlest scrape of teeth and Jared drops his hands to push Richard's jacket off of his shoulders. When it falls to the floor, Jared squeezes Richard's hips. Richard whines.

"Good?" Jared asks, pulling away just enough to be heard. Right now, if Richard tried to speak, it would sound completely unhinged, so he just nods and murmurs a quiet "uh huh." He finds out Jared's hair is soft when he pushes his fingers through it, thick and held in place with a little product. Richard has a feeling in his gut that tells him he's always wondered what that would feel like, but he doesn't know how true that is. They're just looking at each other now, catching their breath, and Richard's afraid to put any distance between them.

"Thank you."

Jared's whisper rings through Richard's ears. "For what?" He asks, and he really doesn't want to stop kissing Jared just yet so he brushes their lips together, just soft enough that he can feel Jared smiling against him.

"Trusting me," Jared says. His arms are still looped loosely around Richard's waist and he's swaying them gently. It's cute. It's so cute, and Richard can't really process what all of this means right now so he pulls Jared down and kisses him again, hard. Everything lines up perfectly this time and they both groan into it. This seems more hurried than before, more fueled by something Richard might call passion--but it could also be the fact that Jared's been in his room for a while now, and someone is probably going to barge in on them soon.

Richard's knees wobble when Jared's tongue runs across his bottom lip and he willingly opens his mouth more, letting Jared pull him closer and kiss him so deep that he feels like he's floating. Jared inhales sharply through his nose and pulls Richard even closer still, close enough that the angle is nothing but uncomfortable, but neither one of them want to be the first to pull away. 

Kissing Jared is nothing like Richard ever would have expected. He never expected that he would be kissing Jared at all, but now that he is--now that his evening stubble is brushing against Jared's smooth face, and Jared's minty breath is mixing with his own and now that Jared's wetly sucking on his tongue like he wants to take the taste right out of Richard's mouth--it's nothing short of a religious experience. It dawns suddenly on Richard that this needs to stop soon, because he's feeling all too warm. It would be so easy to tell Jared to stay. He would, without question. Richard could tell him what he's realized, shove a chair under his doorknob in lieu of trusting the rusted lock, and let Jared lay him out on the bed and take whatever he wanted, rather than letting Richard take from him this time. The thought alone makes Richard gasp against Jared and put distance between them.

Richard touches his fingers to his lips, feeling the way they tingle in the absence of Jared's. He takes a step back so he can lean on the side of his bed, giving Jared a once-over. His lips are red and shining wet and his hair is uncharacteristically mussed, which makes Richard smile. 

"Are you okay?" Jared asks, reaching forward and taking one of Richard's hands. His voice is lower and he's breathing rather hard. Richard feels his neck flush with what he can now knowingly called want. "Did I do something?"

"No!" Richard says, a little too forcefully, and he winces. "No, you didn't--it was good. It was really good, I--yeah." He clears his throat and glances at his hand, at the way Jared is stroking the back of it with his thumb. 

"Did it clear anything up for you?" Jared asks. He takes a step forward like he knows the answer and gives Richard's hand a gentle squeeze.

Richard nods. "I think so, yeah," he mumbles. He looks up at Jared again and they share a soft smile, something that the intimacy of would usually make Richard squirm. He doesn't, though, which is a welcome change. Jared lifts Richard's hand to his mouth and places a kiss to the center of his palm before turning it over and kissing his wrist, his forearm, all the way up to Richard's shoulder. He turns to kiss Richard's cheek, and right when Richard turns his head to let himself be kissed all over again, Jared's pocket vibrates.

It's quickly followed by the sharp, loud shrill of the phone ringing, and Jared startles. He looks almost annoyed, which is an interesting new look for him, and he whispers "I'm so sorry," before very bashfully taking a step back and pulling his phone from his pocket. He glances at it, and sighs. "I have to take this, Richard. Is that alright?"

Richard nods and Jared answers the call. The person on the other line must immediately start talking, because Jared looks startled as he starts to leave Richard's room. He gives Richard one last look, unreadable but soft, before exiting. 

It takes thirty seconds of Richard standing in his room immobile, staring at the wall, before he lets out a groan and shoves his hands through his hair. The lingering taste of altoids in his mouth makes Richard want to cry, want to scream, want to bring Jared back to his room, but all he does is stand and still try to catch his breath. He's not sure that it helped, kissing Jared. Jared kissing him like that. He’s almost sure it didn’t.

At the very least, it was informative. That, Richard could not deny.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comment if you enjoyed it!


End file.
